Aug. 15

    I Have No Idea What I'm Doing

    No Idea

    During life's ebbs and flows I go through stages where I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I begin to question all my past decisions and stress about all the future ones. I start to panic about the imminent occasion where I will have to, once again, make a (relatively) important decision about what my life will look like. I feel lost. As if everything is closing in on me and I can't see out. I attempt to claw my way out by laying out some options and forcing myself to make a hasty decision on the matter. Occasionally it works temporarily and I begin to feel the sufficating sensation slip away, but it usually comes back, even stronger than before.

    I’m tired of insisting that I have to have a plan, and I’m tired of feeling I have to be confident that whatever it is that I’m doing or going to do is going to end up a certain way. I’m not. I actually have no idea what I’m doing on a daily basis, much less what I’m going to do in the future. Not. A. Clue. I’m just trying out some things as I go. Aren't we all? Sometimes they work out like I plan, but a lot of times they end up completely different than I could have ever imagined. And then there’s the times they’re just an altogether failure. The kind that leave you wondering if you’ll ever do anything meaningful with your life.

    I like to know what the end will be before I actually get there. I want to be certain that risking embarrassment, vulnerability, and hard work is going to be worth it in the end. Sometimes at particularly suspenseful moments while I’m reading, I can’t prevent my eyes from drifting to the bottom of the page to find out how it’s all going to work out, before I get too invested. I have big, crazy dreams, and occasionally some pretty outlandish thoughts, but I’m scared to start them because the truth is, I don’t know how it’s all going to go. There’s so much I don’t know. Where do I start? Is this the right way? Am I doing it all wrong?

    I have no idea if the choices that I’ve made and continue to make are the right ones. I don’t know if it’s all going to come back around to bite me someday. I have no idea what my life’s going to look like - not next year, next month, or even tomorrow.

    Sometimes it weighs on me, the fact that I don’t have a plan. I don’t have it all together like I (foolishly) thought I would when I was younger. It’s all just a big chaotic mess, really. Straying this way and that way. Making the best possible decisions that I can make in the moment. Taking it one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time, and that’s ok (at least that’s what I tell myself on the good days). I'm doing okay. There's still so much to learn and so much to do. It's in the times when I finally take a breath and let my plans drift away with the wind, that I feel so much better. It's a daily struggle to loosen the tight grip I have on those plans. Then to ultimately allow them to slip from my grasp, that's where the true feat lies. We don’t have to have it altogether, and I am tired of convincing myself that I'm supposed to act like I do. So there it is. Even in the times it seems like everything’s all perfectly lined up and going wonderfully, I really have no idea what I’m doing, but I’m just going to keep doing it.

    Aug. 12

    An Unexpected Refuge in Colchagua Wine Region


    Colchagua Wine Region

    Tucked away in the foothills of the Andes Mountains in San Fernando, Chile is the coziest lodge. The instant you pull into the property you can feel your shoulders drop and you begin breathing a little deeper. Walking up to the lodge you’re greeted by two friendly Saint Bernards who then escort you to the door. You’re shown to one of four rooms to drop off your luggage before joining the others for a glass of wine by the fire.

    Aug. 08

    The Unknown


    I was wandering around in search of something and nothing at all,
    finding the most unexpected treasures along the way.

    The roads were windy, with sharp turns and the occasional dead end,
    I once stumbled upon a tiny footpath, barely visible from the outside.
    The footprints had long been covered with dirt and leaves,
    but I knew that someone had been there before.
    I imagined what they felt as they turned into the thick forest,
    clearing the brush as they slowly inched forward,
    making a path where there had been none before.
    Why here?
    What made them leave the road that had been so carefully laid out before them?
    Were they in search of something or did they knowingly brave the unknown?

    Aug. 04

    Hiking the Andes Mountains


    Hiking the Andes

    It rained, no, it poured, all day for two days straight before we saw a gap in the forecast that might allow us to explore these mountains in our backyard. Although we were thoroughly enjoying the days spent drinking wine by the fire, we were staying right in the foothills of the Andes and were anxious to get out and see the outdoors. So as soon as we saw a rain-free day we planned to make the most of it and spend the day hiking.

    With a very rough map in hand we started out packed with food, water, and extra layers. The first stop on our map was a waterfall hidden amongst a bamboo forest. We walked towards the crescendo of rushing water as we parted the sticks of bamboo moving steadily through the forest. Once we spent significant time admiring the unique beauty of the lagoon, we continued on our way passing through sections of thick forest to wide open spaces where the vastness of the mountains was undeniable. Almost every half hour one of us gawked at the incredible view before us.

    Jul. 26

    A Harbour Sunrise



    About two weeks ago we took a week-long winter vacation and traveled in the central region of Chile. One of our stops along the way was Valparaíso, a coastal town not too far from Santiago. When you arrive in Valparaíso it is as if you have traveled to another country entirely. It's unlike anywhere else I have been in Chile, or anywhere else in the world for that matter. The town is filled with quirkiness and is most known for it's abundance of street art that covers almost every building. It's sensory overload, in the best way. We spent our short time there just wandering around, up and down all the hills, taking it all in (that and eating a lot).