Stuck in the Middle

The last month has been a bit of a blur with lots of traveling, visitors and all sorts of other things breaking up our normal routine. It’s been great and I love interrupting my routine every now and then to reflect (or just totally escape) and come back feeling nice and refreshed. Although I’ve enjoyed getting back into our "normal" here, it’s been somewhat of a mental challenge. I’m nearing the end of my time teaching in Chile and we will soon be on the road for three weeks before heading back to the States. In a lot of ways I’m really looking forward to it all, on the other hand it’s left me feeling a bit in limbo, totally uprooted, just floating around with no direction. You might think, isn’t that kind of what you’re going for when you choose to live in three different countries in three years? It is. I mean, when I look into the future and can see it from the other side, I look at these stages as fruitful learning and growing opportunities, but then every time I’m right in the middle of them I feel the same way. My mind races, I question everything, and am just grasping for something to anchor on to. I try to come up with something to tell people when they ask what I’m going to do next. Something that sounds credible, instead of the million different, off the wall ideas that are floating around my head. And I move back and forth between accepting this stage for what it is and panicking about the future.

One thing that I keep relating to lately is the process of learning a language. It can be the most frustrating thing, one in which I feel that I’ll never get to where I want to be. And then there’s the times where I feel super confident and motivated by all the progress I’ve made. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions. There’s been many times that I’ve let my emotions get the better of me and have made the decision to put language learning on the back burner. My logic (though not very logical) being that if I just stop trying maybe I won’t care about it anymore and then all that frustration will just go away. Turns out it doesn’t work like that because weeks, months, or sometimes even years later, that desire comes back and I reprimand myself for giving up and wasting all that time. Though I clearly don’t have it all figured out (very much still stuck in the intermediate stage) I know that the only way to the other side is to keep moving forward. Those uncomfortable, lost, defeated feelings are only temporary. I have to stop giving them so much value if I want to find myself closer to my goals rather than back where I started.

This is all to say that I still feel like a balloon in a wind storm, but I’m going to try to find the little joys in this period resting assured that eventually the ferocious winds will weaken and we'll all sink back down to earth.

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Lake Calafquén

Hey there. I’m back. I somehow I fell out of my routine in the last few weeks when my computer broke (I spilt water on it) and it’s taken some effort to get myself back into it. But here I am, back again.

The big (and exciting) news around here lately is that we bought a car! We’ll be traveling for a little bit after I finish my teaching period here, and we have some visitors coming over pretty soon so we decided buying and selling before we leave made the most sense for us.

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I Have No Idea What I'm Doing

During life's ebbs and flows I go through stages where I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I begin to question all my past decisions and stress about all the future ones. I start to panic about the imminent occasion where I will have to, once again, make a (relatively) important decision about what my life will look like. I feel lost. As if everything is closing in on me and I can't see out. I attempt to claw my way out by laying out some options and forcing myself to make a hasty decision on the matter. Occasionally it works temporarily and I begin to feel the sufficating sensation slip away, but it usually comes back, even stronger than before.

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An Unexpected Refuge in Colchagua Wine Region

Tucked away in the foothills of the Andes Mountains in San Fernando, Chile is the coziest lodge. The instant you pull into the property you can feel your shoulders drop and you begin breathing a little deeper. Walking up to the lodge you’re greeted by two friendly Saint Bernards who then escort you to the door. You’re shown to one of four rooms to drop off your luggage before joining the others for a glass of wine by the fire.

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The Unknown

I was wandering around in search of something and nothing at all,
finding the most unexpected treasures along the way.

The roads were windy, with sharp turns and the occasional dead end,
I once stumbled upon a tiny footpath, barely visible from the outside.
The footprints had long been covered with dirt and leaves,
but I knew that someone had been there before.
I imagined what they felt as they turned into the thick forest,
clearing the brush as they slowly inched forward,
making a path where there had been none before.
Why here?
What made them leave the road that had been so carefully laid out before them?
Were they in search of something or did they knowingly brave the unknown?

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